Fletcherisms by Fletch Hurst

Webmaster note: The opinions expressed here are those of Fletcher Hurst who left us a few years ago but his wisdom will remain with us forever. A tiny bit of editing was performed so as not be too offensively politically incorrect. But who says Fletch might have been Politically Correct?

LIFE AND DEATH

  • Life ain’t like nothing I ever seen before.
  • Life is like an onion: you peel it off a layer at a time, and sometimes you cry.
  • Life is like a plate of Tex-Mex: if it’s good you shouldn’t need a knife.
  • Life is nothing more than killing time between ice ages.
  • Carrying moonbeams home in a jar; lying in the sun like a lizard, drinking rum out of coconut shells.
  • The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and de dogs be wagging de liddle tails.
  • Life turns on a dime.
  • I’m getting older; I’ll be dead soon. Finally it’ll all be over. Then I’ll end up being patted in face with a shovel; pushing up daisies, ending up on the wrong side of the grass, food for worms. 

PHILOSOPHY 

  • Parenthood is the opiate of the masses.
  • I’ve heard of the future, but I’ve never seen it.
  • The wise man has many cuts; the happy man forgets his scars.
  • The difference between education and experience: in one you get the lesson and then the test, in the other you get the test and then the lesson.
  • The chances of winning the lottery are same whether you buy a ticket or not.
  • It’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • Too soon old; too late smart.
  • Time is God's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
  • Instant gratification takes too long.
  • Justice is the whim of the judge.
  • What was once the unforeseeable future has soon become the irretrievable past.
  • Who you be jiving with that cosmic debris?
  • Jesus may love you, but I think you’re shit wrapped in skin.

SELF

  • When I came back from Alaska, I was one inch, two pounds more tall-heavy than when I  left.
  • I was coming out of a bar and someone stepped on my hand. I knew I couldn’t drive so I stumbled next door to a pizza place and ordered a large pizza delivered to my apartment, and then I caught a ride with the pizza delivery guy. I gave him all kinds of bullshit directions so he ended up more than 30-minutes late, so I got the pizza for free.
  • I had to leave high school because of a groin injury…. It wasn’t mine.
  • I feel like a 9-volt battery in a 6-volt world.
  • I’m exhausted.
  • No thanks, I’ve reached that blissful state.
  • Things were so bad today, I should have stood in bed! (but the ceiling fan would have hit me in the head.)
  • Everything I say is true one way or another; and if it’s not, it should be.
  • My existence serves as a warning to others.
  • I set a good bad example.
  • My inner child has an alter ego who has an invisible friend who hears voices, but they stutter so he doesn’t know what they’re saying.
  • When I stay in bed all day, everyone else is better off.
  • I have a rubber stamp for letters from the IRS; it says “DECEASED, RETURN TO SENDER”.
  • Like I always say, “I never repeat myself.”
  • Everybody had two names where I grew up; I thought mine was “Damnit Fletcher.”
  • I not only deny the allegation, I deny the alligator.
  • I hate reminiscing; it just brings back memories.
  • I like living in the past; it’s so predictable.
  • Anyone who doesn’t smoke just doesn’t have the guts to kill themselves slowly and painfully over an extended period of time.
  • I always get up before breakfast, and right after “Jeopardy.”
  • I was reading this book, but I wasn’t paying any attention. I guess you could say it went in one eye and out the other.
  • I called a 900 sex line one night and talked for three hours. The next day I woke up with an ear infection.
  • I’ll have a shot of what the gentleman on the floor is having.
  • It’s possible that committing a variety of misdemeanors on a regular basis can theoretically keep one from committing felonies.
  • Not bad for a manic depressive sociopath with low self esteem, pyromaniac tendencies and a life-long history of drug abuse.
  • I’m heavily armed, easily bored, and off my medication.
  • Being heavily armed enhances my sense of well being.
  • I like wearing psychedelic clown vomit cowboy shirts.
  • I was on the cell phone picking someone up. They asked what I was in. I said “Oh just a little off the rack thing I just put together and threw on.”
  • I didn’t do it, nobody saw me do it, and you can’t prove a thing.
  • I’ve attained that blissful state.

ADVICE 
  • Don’t go out with no sling heads, don’t get drug through cactus, and don’t turn out like me.
  • Don’t go out with anyone with a police ankle bracelet, or a lobotomy scar, or bolts in their necks.
  • Admit nothing, deny everything, make counter-accusations.
  • Don’t waste your money paying bills.
  • If you didn’t waste your youth, you wasted your youth.
  • Don’t drink tequila while the sun is still up.
  • You must be pure of heart; keep your mind free of unclean thoughts.

POLITICS

  • Don’t vote; it just encourages the bastards
  • If the Clinton administration teaches us nothing, and it doesn’t…
  • Those are not my tax dollars at work; I don’t bankroll that kind of shit.

TECHNOLOGY

  • This technology pushes back the foreskin of technology.
  • Technology can’t keep up with my needs.
  • The only reason I can think of to buy a computer is to keep track of the computer payments.
  • I bought a disposable camera, took 12 pictures, and then threw it away; I don’t get it.
  • If you put instant coffee in a microwave, would you get coffee beans?

SEX

  • Don’t have sex with animals. …Unless you get them de-clawed first.
  • Everything went white…
  • Of course I pay for sex; that’s all that separates men from the animals.
  • You can never make up for missed sex.
  • Black and white porn is sooo sleazy.

WOMEN

  • We like to worship and adore our women, before we abuse and degrade them.
  • Women are like busses; another one will come along in about five minutes.
  • Cats are the tittie dancers of the animal kingdom.
  • Some women are Satan’s spawn: Pure evil sent from the netherworld to breed with a human to bring about the apocalypse.
  • Anything with wheels or breasts is going to cause you grief.
  • Women think with the other side of their brain; I don’t know which side it is but it’s the other side from ours.

WORK & BUSINESS

  • When you have a reputation for getting up at 7 AM you can afford to sleep ‘til noon.
  • I’ve only burned down one house; given the opportunities I’ve had, that’s quite remarkable.
  • I should start charging people for not hitting them in the head with a shovel.
  • If I bypass the RO, it’ll never leak and the filters will never need changing.
  • Let me teach you the proper use of underwater glue…
  • We cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you.
  • Service worth waiting for.
  • How we named S&S Plumbing: It started out as A&A, but we got run out of business and had to start another company. That one was called B&B. You get the picture. On a good day we’d say S&S meant “Smooth and Slick.” On bad days it meant “Slow and Sloppy.”
  • I offer an exclusive taillight guarantee; when you see my taillights, the guarantee is over.
  • We’re not happy ‘til you’re not happy.
  • We’re the unqualified leading the unwilling to do the unnecessary for the ungrateful.
  • When I get to work late, I leave early to make up for it.
  • It’s not in my interest to pay the principle and it’s against my principles to pay the interest.
  • Screw the other guy before he screws you; that way you get back at him in advance.
  • You should invest in my cat ranch. I’ll tell you all about it sometime.
  • Plumbing: Shit flows downhill, paydays are on Friday, and don’t chew your fingernails.

GUNS, GUITARS AND MUSIC

  • Every time I buy a new gun, I have to buy a new guitar; that way, I’m not a gun freak.
  • One hour a day of playing guitar makes up for the other 23 that suck.
  • Country music is the Special Olympics of the music industry.
  • As old as he is, McCartney can still get wood.

BOOKS AND MOVIES

  • There will never be a movie as good as “The Seven Voyages of Sinbad.”
  • Pound for pound, used books are the best deal going; you can’t even buy that much blank paper that cheap.
  • A bad movie is nothing more than chewing gum for the eyes; it’s just celluloid escapism.
  • Some films should be turned into collar stays.
  • Books are better than movies because you can’t hold a movie over your head when it rains; you can’t put a movie under a couch to make it even, and you can’t put a book marker in a movie when you want to take a break.

DRUGS

  • I can’t take it anymore; the bastards have finally driven me to drug abuse.
  • Every time I take mushrooms, I’ll swear I’ll never do it again.

MISCELLANEOUS

  • What do you think? That wood grows on trees?
  • The definition of Karaoke: people who shouldn’t be singing, singing to people who shouldn’t be drinking.
  • I’ll be there in exactly a little while.
  • For breakfast, I usually have seared muscle tissue of a dead pig and embryos of an unborn chicken.
  • Is it moral to eat chicken AND eggs at the same time?
  • Is it moral to eat Early Baby Spring Peas?
  • A gentleman always dresses appropriately for the occasion.
  • A gentleman always carries a handkerchief (or a bandana).
  • My truck is built for rugged terrain.
  • Friday the 13th came on a Wednesday this week.
  • You can take the boy out of the country, but you…well, you can’t take the boy out of the country.
  • If you think that’s not funny, here’s something that’s not even funnier…
  • A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do – Rue Paul
  • I wanted to go to a do-dependency meeting but I didn’t have anyone to go with me.
  • The moon affects the oceans, and man is 70 % percent water, so are we just wandering around under the influence of the moon?
  • I taught Ashley that this is what she learns from going to school: how to stand in long lines and move from one place to another at the sound of a bell.
  • Mexicans invented Tequila only after they realized that diarrhea alone wasn't enough to actually kill the gringo.

Fletcher's goals for 2004:

  • Shake off all paranoia
  • Find out how much they owe, and make them pay
  • Work out the bugs on my homemade flame-thrower
  • If Nixon taught us nothing...and he didn't, it was that it's easier to believe a big lie than it is to believe a small one.
  • Life is nothing more than a series of random events occurring in a sequential order.
  • The purpose of art is to provide what real life doesn't
  • Reality is where the pizza guy comes from
  • Don't use your turn signal; it just tips the bastards off
  • My business location has had to move several times because of climactic conditions: when it got hot in one part of town we had to move to another part.
  • The sad thing about John Lennon's death is the songs we'll never hear.
  • What's the benefit of getting old? I forgot.
  • Most problems can be solved simply by not answering your phone.
  • I used to believe in reincarnation, but that was in another life.
  • I feel more like I do now than I did a while ago
  • Living with strange roommates gives me ample opportunity to practice my tolerance for weird behavior
  • I have multiple personalities, but they all have the same name.

Add ons by Julie as found in Norman’s emails (submitted on 8-16-07)

  • "Age and treachery will always beat out youth and enthusiasm." -- Fletcher Hurst
  • "I hate reminiscing, it just brings back memories..." -- Fletcher Hurst
  • "The worst thing about John Lennon's death is the songs we'll never get to hear..." Fletcher Hurst
  • Fletcher Hurst says "it's better than wasting my miserable and insignificant life somewhere else; and besides, I wasn't doing anything important anyway".
  • "Never trust anyone who has more tattoos than teeth." -- Fletcher Hurst
  • "Black and white porn is SO sleazy! – Fletcher
  • "If it weren't for flashbacks, I'd have no memory at all." -- Fletcher Hurst
  • First of all, Fletcher is technologically challenged, doesn't have a computer, a palm pilot or a cordless phone, and it's all he can do to make his cell phone work. In fact, he says that cell phones and computers "have pushed back the foreskin of technology." He's working on a new invention to make house phones with cords so you can find them.
  • Since he thinks he's dying (aren't we all) of colon cancer, he re-read The Urantia Book in an useless and transparent attempt to find loopholes and to find out "why me?," as says.
  • He has decided that the time one has to spend in purgatory (even though there's no mention of purgatory in The Urantia Book) is by multiplying your venal sins by your mortal sins divided by your acts of contrition.
  • But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing to pass on his Marriage Advice, even though he's never been married and even though he claims he's been getting hate mail from his love child, which I later found out he plagiarized from George Carlin. In fact, Fletcher says that everything he says he heard from Richard Nixon in a vision. He also says that his inner child has an alter ego who has an invisible friend who stutters.